but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
