I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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