I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Randomize
