she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
