After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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