i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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