No stitches, just platelets and will power
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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