So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
