dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
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