if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
