Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
