we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
