I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We don't watch enough power rangers
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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