After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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