The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You ruined the universe
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
