You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
