Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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