Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
