If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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