I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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