There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
