I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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