once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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