Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
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