im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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