i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
