I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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