I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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