Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
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