was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
