I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
