Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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