Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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