yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
