they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
