I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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