I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
