I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
