mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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