dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
