The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
