He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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