he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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