she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
