If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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