Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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