Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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