just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
