You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
