we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
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