It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
