If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
