The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
