Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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